Selfish
by xcd
Summary: We both represented the extreme ends of emotion that it was quite impossible for one of us not to get hurt
1. Prologue: Breaking Point

**Summary: **We both represented the extreme ends of emotion that it was quite impossible for one of us not to get hurt

**Pairing/s: **Rei/Aya

**Author's Note: **I couldn't fall asleep, so I decided to kill some time by actually writing out the story that's been in my head for months.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters…

**Selfish**

Prologue

_Breaking point_

Contrary to her friends' belief, I was not totally unaware of the so-called "hurt" that I have continuously inflicted on Hoshino. I know that I've made her cry on more occasions than I could count on my fingers. Kotobuki, Yamazaki, and Yuuya (but it was mostly Kotobuki) often griped about how wrong it was that I made absolutely no effort to make Hoshino happy; how I seemed to refer to her passionate and undying love as nothing more than a crush.

They didn't voice it out-loud, but I knew what they were thinking. Inside their minds, they accused me of being heartless and being too insensitive. Without a doubt, they were right on both accounts.

I wouldn't be angry if any of them said it to my face. People complained about my insensitivity all the time. Even my parents couldn't bear the apathy that just seems to be hardwired in me. What I found surprising though was that, despite every grievance, Hoshino never once complained. She took them all as they came, and though she cried when it became too much she still stood by.

I'm not going to lie. Something about her persona ticked me off. She was too pure, too honest, too damn emotional. When she loved me, she gave it all the love her heart could give. When I failed to reciprocate, she completely broke down and cried. It was an endless cycle between the two of us, and I could only guess how long we could keep it up. Hoshino was tired of getting hurt, and I…

I was disappointed at her. She was not as exciting or as fun as Kotobuki nor was she anywhere near the ferocity that Kotobuki always exhibited, but she had certain qualities that stood out. What she lacked in strength, she made up for in her studies. Hoshino was truly one smart girl, and she had a certain gracefulness that none of her other friends possess. She was loyal, kind, and down-to-earth. She had so much personality when she was with her friends.

And yet, when she's around me her whole being just seems to dissipate. Around me, she turns into this graceless girl who struggles to string together coherent thoughts. It was a shame. I wanted to spend time with the Aya who could engage me into interesting discussions about topics that few girls of her age would know. Instead she, too, is reduced to awkward moments of silence.

In one occasion, I had actually mentioned this to my amused mother who then told me that "this girl has it bad." That absolutely did not help matters any. I've never experienced what it was like to be so engrossed with someone to the point that all my senses are just completely thrown out the window. I tried to imagine what it must be like for Aya to love someone who was uncertain if he loved her, too. I was pretty sure that it would sting pretty badly, but I just couldn't fathom feeling the same intense pain as she always seems to feel.

She loved _too much_.

I hardly gave back any.

We both represented the extreme ends of emotion that it was quite impossible for one of us not to get hurt….

So now the question is: how long will it be until she breaks?


	2. Chapter 1: Solitude

**Summary: **We both represented the extreme ends of emotion that it was quite impossible for one of us not to get hurt

**Pairing/s: **Rei/Aya …some Rei/Ran

**Author's Note: **I don't know why, but I feel like my writing style in this story is a little weird. Anyways, I haven't said my formal hello to the Supergals fandom, so… "Hello!".

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters…

* * *

**Selfish**

Chapter 1

_Solitude_

"It's pretty hard, you know," Yuuya said to me out of the blue while we were walking down the streets of Shibuya.

"What is?"

"With Aya..." he looked at me for a split second. I can tell that he was trying to gauge my reaction to her name. "It's hard for her. She can't take much of this any longer."

"Me or the relationship in general?"

There was a long moment of silence before he replied, "Both."

It was quite uncharacteristic of him to sound so serious, but then again the guy really did have a soft spot for Hoshino. At that moment, I couldn't tell whether he was asking me to fix myself or to break up with her.

"Do you get what I'm saying, Rei?"

"I have to meet up with Aya. Later," was the only response I could give.

* * *

_There wasn't much that I wished for in life. I only wanted peace and quiet, and a lifetime of solitude. For some kind of reason, people thought that was odd, but in reality it wasn't all that bad. It depends on your concept of solitude._

_Most people are frightened of the word "Solitude" because it was synonymous to isolation and loneliness. Not necessarily so, actually. For me, it was like a sanctuary from a world that liked to judge you based on how you looked like from the outside. I still talk to people, and I do have (dare I say) a couple of friends, but I never set myself up to be completely dependent on another person's existence. It was pointless._

_Now, I remember two years back, when I first met Kotobuki Ran. I was walking home with Yuuya when she suddenly grabbed the strap of my bag. I don't even remember how many times my bag got stolen by some crazy fan girl. _

"_Gimme your bag," she said with a grin on her face._

_Solitude, as far as I knew, had been broken at that point._

* * *

"It just doesn't work out," said Aya. Her annoyance was very much noticeable at this point. She erased the solution to the problem for the umpteenth time.

"It's because you're using the wrong formula, dummy." I picked up the pencil and proceeded to walk her through the problem step-by-step, "You're looking for the velocity, not the displacement."

She was intensely focused on the way I worked it out, and nodded every now and then to indicate that she understood what I said.

"Read the problem carefully, list the given, and then decide what to do," I told her as she feverishly recopied what I wrote down on her notebook.

"So, for this next problem, it would be looking for time?"

"Yes, but aside from that you also have a second object dropped. And see here?" I pointed to the problem at hand, "It also asks you how far away the second object is at the moment that the first object hits the ground."

She nodded before turning her attention back to her homework.

This was when I liked her best. I found that it was quite enjoyable to tutor her simply because she could easily learn and master the things that I teach her. She also has a different mind set when she's studying. Granted, she still flustered whenever our hands accidentally touch, but most of the times she made it a point to learn as much as she can. She asked questions, argued with me about certain concepts, and shared plenty of insights that I found truly interesting.

All of a sudden, her stomach growled softly. She dropped her pen and looked at me. Her cheeks were already beet red. We looked at each other for awhile and then, much to our surprise, we laughed.

* * *

We decided to take a little break and went out to have lunch at a little French café called "La Madeleine". Aya and I were actually regular costumers there. Not too long ago, I found out that Aya loved French cuisine and so I kept it at the back of my mind to find a restaurant that can actually make decent French food.

I didn't really go out of my way to find La Madeleine for her. I just sort of accidentally found it. I don't remember exactly when I first took her there, but ever since the day we went in that café we both couldn't help but keep on coming back.

Neither Kotobuki nor Yamazaki knows that this was where Aya and I usually went for our "dates". It was some kind of silent pact between us, a shared secret.

We seated ourselves at the table near the window. She ordered quiche and a strawberry smoothie while I decided to settle for a mango crepe. We ate in silence like we normally do, yet it wasn't uncomfortable nor was it awkward.

I don't know what it was about this place, but I suddenly had the urge to say something nice to her for a change. Our so-called "relationship" had been mediocre at best, and it didn't make matters any better when I admitted that I liked Kotobuki.

"I think this is really nice," she had a smile on her face, one that I wouldn't forget for several reasons.

"What, the quiche?"

"No…well, yes. The quiche _tastes_ nice, but I was talking about this…"

She didn't need to give me any further clues as to what she was referring to. I realized that this was the first time I made her smile in a long time. Tentatively, I put my hand over hers and squeezed it gently. It was so easy for me to display affections, something that was so unwonted of me, in this place.

Here, we had privacy. We were isolated from everyone we knew. This was our solitude. There were no friends to dictate what should be done in order to fix our strained relationship.

Yes, we can fix this.

There's no need to break up.

All we need is time and…

"Hey! It's Otocchi and Aya-ppe!" I heard Kotobuki say from somewhere not very far away from where we were sitting. Her voice was all it took for me to take my hand off of Aya's. I glanced behind me and saw Kotobuki with Yamazaki. At the sight of her, I couldn't help but smile a little. Then I looked back at Aya. She wasn't smiling anymore.

She took one look at me and she instantly knew why I wasn't holding her hands more; why I suddenly lost interest. This time I didn't hear her cry or say anything, but I could've sworn that I heard her heart break just a little bit more.


	3. Chapter 2: Time's Implications

**Summary: **We both represented the extreme ends of emotion that it was quite impossible for one of us not to get hurt

**Pairing/s: **Rei/Aya …some Rei/Ran

**Author's Note: **I decided to try a new technique for this chapter. The general idea was to write short snippets of particular scenes in the story and stick them together. Yes, I know, it seems kind of lazy, but I just wanted to see how it would actually work out. That being said, don't expect too many smooth transitions from one scene to another. I will actually go back and edit this later. (By edit I mean to actually go back and put in more stuff that goes in between.)

On a side note, I want to thank those of you who have reviewed so far. I'm quite amused that all my reviewers are Filipinos. When I first found that out I was actually pretty excited because I love Filipino people. I have but one thing to say to you guys: You have awesome food. (A friend of mine actually tricked me into eating "balut" once. It wasn't as bad as the internet portrayed it.)

P.S. Keep in mind that there would be some obscene language here (though not much.) If you're the type that can get offended easily by this, don't read any further

By the way, just a little trivia, this story was actually inspired while I was listening to "Stand by U" by DBSK. Go check it out if you have the time.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters…

**Selfish**

Chapter 2

_Time's Implications_

What started out as a relatively good morning suddenly turned into a complete cluster fuck. Kotobuki's entrance completely destroyed the peaceful ambiance within the café. A part of me appreciated–and, perhaps, was even overjoyed–by her presence, but this just made the situation awkward.

"So this is where you guys spend your alone time, eh?" she asked with that same roguish grin on her face. Then she casually slung her arms around my shoulders. Aya noticeably straightened up her posture, as if she'd been physically affected by the close proximity of Kotobuki and me. Had I been considerate enough, I would've shrugged off the red-head's arm away from me, but I just couldn't.

The desire to hold her hand had been much stronger than my want to reassure Aya. Several months ago, I swore to myself that despite any advances I would wish to make, I will never ever try to woo Kotobuki...

Because as much as it hurt Aya to know that I did not love her fully, I figured it would hurt just as much if I abandoned her completely. I owed her my companionship. It was the very least I can do.

"This is a pretty, little restaurant," said Yamazaki who followed behind Kotobuki "Miyu can see why you guys would want to come here."

"I bet Ottochi was running away from the freaky bitches." She promptly said before she flopped down the seat beside me.

"What in the world are you doing here, Kotobuki?" I asked, trying to keep my voice as monotonous as possible.

"Well, I don't see a sign that says we can't come in!"

I sighed in an attempt to mask my lack of indifference "That's not the point."

"Miyu agrees with Otochi!" the blonde girl looked at me meaningfully before she continued "Miyu thinks that they want to be left alone."

"Whatever," Kotobuki scoffed before she turned her attention to Aya. "Hey, Aya-ppe. You're not talking much. Something wrong?"

"No, Ran…Everything is fine," then she smiled her trademark smile: a fake one.

* * *

_My mom used to say that time can fix all things that are broken. What she didn't tell me was that the only thing that time ever did to wounds was to cover it up. On the outside it looked fixed, but on the inside it was still broken. _

_As I grew up, I realized that the only kind of wounds that time could ever completely fix was the superficial kind–the temporary hurts over petty matters. It did little wonders for the ones that went beyond skin-deep. As a matter of fact, time only made the wounds worse, made the distance and the margin of difference so much wider._

_I learned it best from my parents. They both started out arguing over little things such as which route was the fastest way to make it from point A to point B, or maybe even over which film we should watch. Then they began arguing about more sensitive things like whose parenting skill was better, who sacrificed more, who's cheating on who…_

_As the years went by, the arguments escalated, and bitter words were exchanged. For my sake, they both decided that the arguing had to stop, but the problem was that no matter what topic it was, they somehow ended up having a debacle. In order to avoid conflict, they stopped talking altogether. When I expressed my concern over their lack of communication, they both told me that all they needed was time._

_It was only a matter of months before I would realize that time indeed gave them the final push to think things through and rationalize that what they really needed was a divorce._

* * *

The tension was palpable between us while we were walking to her house. I didn't dare to say a word in fear that it may lead to us talking about the lunch this afternoon. I could only guess if Aya's silence sprung from the same reason as mine.

"Thank you for lunch and for walking me back home, Rei," she said to me when we reached the front porch of her house.

"No problem. So, are we in for another tutoring session this Saturday?"

She nodded imperceptibly.

"Cool. Same place, same time. Is that ok?"

Another nod.

"Well…Good night then,"

"Good night, Rei."

She flashed me a fake smile again and turned her back on me. She dug through her purse to search for her house keys. I wanted to leave, but instead I stood there and watched as she dug in further. It almost looked like she so desperately wanted to get in the house as quickly as possible.

It was actually ordinary for me to wait until I see her unlock the door and get in her house. She usually tries to engage me in small talks wherein I either reply with 2 words or just a nod to indicate that I've been listening. That night, even while she knew I was standing there as usual, Aya made no efforts to talk to me at all. In fact, I think she was trying her best to pretend that I wasn't even there.

After what seemed almost like an eternity, she finally found her keys. With key in hand, she fumbled around the lock as if this was her first time to use those keys to unlock the door. Aya's second try to let herself in resulted in her actually dropping the keys on the ground. I heard her say "shit" under her breath–something that I never expected her to say–but that wasn't the most surprising part for me.

I heard the edginess in her voice. It almost sounded like she was sobbing.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out without even realizing it.

"For what?" she said as she tried to stifle a sob.

"For the thing that happened when we were at La Madeline's"

"What are you talking about? Nothing happened. It was just Ran and Miyu visiting."

And I saw her trying to discreetly wipe away the tears in her eyes. She still hadn't faced me yet. I took a step forward.

"Aya…you know what I'm talking about. My thing with…"

"There was nothing wrong."

"I shouldn't have let go."

"It's ok."

"But when Kotobuki …"

"THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG!"

Then she just seemed to collapse completely. The sob that she fought hard to hold back finally forced its way out of her. I debated whether I should hold her or if I should just stand there and try to assuage her fears that I might leave her completely. I decided to do the former. I placed my hands on her shoulders, and gently coaxed her to face me.

"Hey…stop crying," I said as I wiped off the tears from her face with my thumb. "It won't solve anything. Just calm down. I'm not leaving you."

Before I could completely hold her, she let out a strangled sob and pulled away.

"You know what…just…please…please…just go. I can't talk about this right now."

"A month ago you couldn't stop talking about anything but…"

"I know! I know…it's just that this is…it's too much. I can't take it. I thought I could do this, but I can't…I can't…"

"Can't what?"

"It hurts too much," she looked at me with pleading eyes, "You're with me because you think you can't have _her_, and I'm not sure if I can go on with this knowledge in my head."

"So, what are you saying?"

"I need time to think."

And that, to me, roughly translates to _"I think we need to break up."_


End file.
